I told like too many times that I grew up in the family of 2 drinking guys - my parents, there were also some other people to come over and make this party never stop. My mom used to leave me at home alone a lot, my dad had to work and after work he often got drunk. There were happy moments: like spending time together, going for walks, taking pictures together, playing games, etc. But after all, some bad moments got stuck in my memory much more than the good ones for many many years. Seems like those memories were poisoning my soul: I grew up as a depressed, lonely and unhappy person full of fears and anxiety. It had a lot to deal with my mom's mood that was constantly changing while I was growing up, it was like a roller coaster: one day she loves you, and another day she seems to hate you, and says she wants you to die. You don't know why it is happening when you are a child, and I blamed it on me a lot, I had a huge pity to myself and lacked confidence. All this made me almost hate my parents and constantly repeat those moments in my mind to remind myself how unhappy I was until I decided to say: STOP! When your brain is constantly working on a mode: "I am the unhappiest person in the world" it can be hard to change into something else, as it just become a habitual thinking, and becomes a huge part of your life perception.
I guess one of the most important things I have done for myself in life was forgiveness of my parents. As I said blaming my parents for all the bad stuff I had in my life was poisoning not only my brain but also my body. I had moments when I wanted to die cos I wanted them to feel pain of losing me in their lives. But at the end of the day, it's you who suffer the most from unforgiveness. You can't be happy cos your mind tells you: I had a bad childhood, noone loves me, my life is always gonna be the same, etc. Unforgiveness can be related with your parents, siblings, friends and so on. Whatever it is, let it go. It is a long hard process, but what helped me a lot was realisation that I wanna do this for myself in order to heal my pain and be happy in life. Noone else is gonna do this for you. And if you wait all life just for people to come to you and say: "I'm sorry for the pain I made you feel", 1st you can wait all your life and still not get it, 2nd even if you get it, you will understand it was not worth it cos you wasted so much time and energy on blaming those people, 3rd no matter what they say or do, you can still have peace already now, and than if they say sorry, you are going to feel better, but don't let your life be dependant on someone saying or doing certain things. Choose transforming your life already now! Let go your past, and concentrate on your present.
At the end of the day the "blame-game" is only pulling you back!
If you have any questions, please leave a comment below or send me a message,
Remember, I care for you and always will!
Love,
Anya
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